The names of all parties have not been changed because they absolutely deserve this. This publication was founded by Alec "Orange" Stopher — proud IU Hoosier, National Champion supporter, and devoted friend — in the tradition of holding people accountable in the most elaborate way possible. Kami is referred to by first name only out of basic decency. She did not ask for any of this.
Andrew — known also as Andy, Jr., and Cletus, a nickname assigned by the group that has since attached itself to him permanently — was born and raised in Fort Wayne, Indiana. He is, in physical terms, what medical professionals might charitably call "a flagpole with a personality." In less charitable terms, he is extraordinarily skinny. Witnesses report that in certain lighting conditions, Andrew can be difficult to locate if he turns sideways. Nick Bradley lost him at a crowded venue for eleven full minutes before realizing Andy was standing directly in front of him, simply very narrow.
"He's all elbows," Chase noted in a written statement. "Just structurally. Elbows and opinions." Jackson added that Andrew's frame has raised ongoing concerns about his ability to survive sustained wind, particularly relevant now that he lives in Texas. Jordan described him, simply, as "a walking X-ray."
Despite the frame, the questionable collegiate choices, and the nut situation, Andrew managed to carve out a life in Fort Wayne — including a notable romantic involvement with a woman named Kami, documented extensively in Chapter V. He would later move alone to San Antonio, where he met Jaci, a woman of extraordinary patience who did not know about the nut on the first date. This publication admires her deeply.
"Cletus just packed up and drove to Texas. Alone. By himself. We all sort of stood there and watched him go and nobody said what we were all thinking."— Alec "Orange" Stopher, Editor-in-Chief
Before we can discuss The Incident, we must discuss what this publication considers the original incident: Andrew's decision to attend Purdue University.
The rest of the group — Orange, Murf, Nick, Chase, Jordan — all support Indiana University, home of the National Champion Indiana Hoosiers. Andrew, in what can only be described as a cry for help at age eighteen, enrolled at Purdue. West Lafayette. The train school. The place where the mascot is a boiler because they looked around campus and that was the most exciting thing they could find. Jackson also did not go to Purdue but is a Purdue fan anyway, which the rest of the group considers a worse offense — at least Andy got a degree out of it. Jackson is just a fan. Voluntarily. For free. We have no further comment on this.
Attended and supported by people who make correct decisions. Home of championship basketball, excellent academics, and every member of this friend group except one. It is noted, by this publication, that the IU guys still have all of their original equipment.
A fine institution for people who are comfortable being wrong. Andy graduated here. He then moved alone to Texas and lost a nut. Whether these events are correlated is left as an exercise for the reader.
Jordan submitted the following analysis, offered from a position of no particular school allegiance which somehow makes it worse: "It starts at Purdue. Everything starts at Purdue. You make that one bad decision at eighteen and the universe just slowly begins taking inventory. Next thing you know, you're in San Antonio, alone, one nut lighter, with a Purdue diploma you can't hang up because you're embarrassed." Jordan has been asked which school he supports. He shrugs. Every time. Just shrugs.
Andrew maintains he is "proud of his degree." This is what people say when they have exhausted other sources of pride.
"IU is better. Andy knows IU is better. And somewhere in that bony chest of his, Cletus wishes he'd made the right call. The nut thing probably wouldn't have happened."— Murf, IU Faithful · Jackson was also asked for comment. He pleaded the fifth.
Based on six witness accounts — four of which contradict each other — this publication has assembled the most complete reconstruction of The Incident currently available. Andrew has declined to comment on specifics. We interpret this as a full confession.
This publication spoke with all available witnesses. Credibility ratings were assigned editorially. All of them are correct. None of them should be fully trusted.
"I built this website because Andy would have done the exact same thing to me and we both know it. The thing about Jr. is — and I mean this sincerely — he's one of the best people I know. I fully believe that and I also registered this domain and those two things coexist fine. Go Hoosiers."
"I've been making Andy jokes for years. This one just arrived fully formed, gift-wrapped, requiring no effort on my part. I've used it at five separate social situations. I have a long-term content strategy. The website is only the beginning."
"I was there. I've told three different versions and need to settle on one before this goes to print. What I can confirm: it happened, the face was legendary, and the chips at the hospital were honestly pretty good. I feel a little bad about the chips. Not that bad."
"I heard the sound from across the room. I thought someone dropped something.
Then I saw Andy's face and I understood. I sent a meme to the group chat within
four minutes. I stand by it. It was the correct response for that moment."
[Note: Chase has declined to take a position on IU vs Purdue. We respect this. We also find it deeply suspicious.]
"I noticed the Kami energy earlier that evening. I didn't say anything — maybe
I should have. Then The Incident happened and I thought back to the Kami energy
and I couldn't stop thinking about the timing. I'm not saying there's a connection.
I'm also not not saying that."
[Editor's note: Jackson is a Purdue fan despite never attending Purdue, which the group considers the single most embarrassing way to support that school. At least Andy has a diploma. Jackson is out here taking the L for free.]
"I said 'that was a mistake' before I even knew what happened.
I just heard something and knew. I sent the card that said 'thinking of you, Cletus.'
Twenty seconds of deliberation. Zero regrets."
[Note: Jordan does not have a strong college football or basketball allegiance, which the rest of the group finds baffling and occasionally unsettling.]
"I met Andrew after he moved here. There are things about his history I have
chosen not to fully investigate. I love him.
[four second pause] How do you spell Kami?"
[She called back. She already knew.]
Did not respond to fourteen texts, six DMs, one tracked letter (received), and one voicemail Murf left entirely in a documentary narrator voice. His silence is entered into the record. His silence is everything.
"I sent him a 'Hang in there' card. On purpose. I deliberated for thirty seconds and sent it on purpose. I'm a little proud of it."— Murf, no regrets
No serious investigation into the life of Andrew — Jr., Cletus, the bony legend — would be complete without confronting the Fort Wayne variable the group has been gently poking at for years: Kami.
Kami was Andrew's prom date. This is documented. There exists photographic evidence, including a corsage situation that Murf has described as "way too much eye contact for just friends — that's not how friends look at each other at prom, I'm sorry, it just isn't." She remains a central figure in Andy's Fort Wayne chapter, the kind of person whose name, when mentioned at a gathering, produces a very specific expression on Andrew's face that he has never once explained.
"Okay so hear me out. Kami and Andy went to prom together. Fact. They were close — closer than Andy has ever admitted on record. Also fact. He gets the face whenever her name comes up. Documented fact. NOW — I have reason to believe Kami was a topic of conversation the evening of The Incident. I am not saying she caused it. I'm saying the timeline is suspicious in a way that a real journalist would absolutely follow up on."
"Also — for the record — Andy left Fort Wayne. Left Kami. Drove 1,200 miles to a city where he knew zero people and started completely over. That is not the behavior of a man who has fully resolved his Fort Wayne situation. That is the behavior of a man who needed distance. I'm just laying out the facts."
This publication contacted Kami for comment. She did not respond. We consider her silence either complete innocence or an extremely sophisticated cover-up. We are leaning toward cover-up.
"I don't want to say Kami is responsible for what happened to Andy's nut. I'm also not prepared to sit here and say she isn't."— Murf, standing by this fully
Against all expectations — specifically Murf's, who had privately hoped for at least a quarter of visible struggle — Andrew has reportedly thrived in San Antonio. He met Jaci. He found a gym. He's been eating breakfast tacos at a frequency that concerns everyone who receives his texts. He is, objectively, fine. This is deeply inconvenient to report.
He texts about breakfast tacos unprompted. The group has developed a system for acknowledging these texts quickly so he stops sending follow-ups. We are trying to be supportive.
He sends temperature updates to a group of people in Indiana who are fully aware of what weather is. Murf has started muting the thread in February specifically.
Andrew joined a gym in San Antonio. He posts about it. The physics of this remain unclear to everyone involved, but we support him.
Met her in San Antonio. She did not know about the nut going in. She stayed anyway. This publication believes she deserves some kind of formal recognition.
He claims to have friends in San Antonio. Their names are unverified. Murf has formally requested photographic proof. Nothing has been provided.
Still Jr. Still Cletus. Still the Purdue guy. Still the one-nutted Texan. Some identities transcend state lines. His does.
"He's doing great. I needed him to be at least a little bad at Texas and instead he's out there thriving with a girlfriend and a gym membership. I haven't processed it."— Nick Bradley, visibly conflicted, eating chips
For the record — and sincerely — the people who built this website love Andrew a great deal. He is, when Murf is pushed to actually say it out loud, "genuinely one of the best." Orange built this because this is how you love your people. Chase, Jackson, and Jordan all contributed because a bit this good deserves to be done right.
Murf has formally requested that the above paragraph be noted as written under duress and not interpreted as any softening of his ongoing comedic position. His content strategy continues unchanged.
Sources within the inner circle — led by Murf, endorsed by Orange, cautiously co-signed by Jordan — have raised a possibility so unsettling that this publication deliberated before including it.
What if it wasn't just one?
The "one remaining nut" narrative has never been independently verified. Andrew has not submitted documentation. Jaci's responses during certain discussions have been described as "telling." The medical records are not public. San Antonio is very far. Cletus is a man of many, many mysteries. We put it to you — the public — to decide.
The people deserve to weigh in.
The following was submitted by a witness requesting partial anonymity. Click the black bars to reveal the testimony.
"I was there the night Jr. tried to show off and it had Kami's name written all over it energetically. The result was exactly what happens when a Purdue guy gets too confident. Nick Bradley ate a full bag of chips in the hospital waiting room while maintaining eye contact with me. Andy's last words before going in were 'don't tell anyone about this' which is why there is a registered domain now. As for Steve — we just don't say anything about Steve but we are absolutely all thinking about Steve. The move to San Antonio was definitely related to at least three separate things he will never admit to. And the Purdue diploma — Orange says it's still in a box in San Antonio. It has not been hung. This tells you everything."
↑ Click the black bars to reveal classified testimony